Three days ago, we were invited at a barbecue at my sister’s neighbors. We were a table of 15, with people of different ages and backgrounds. We didn’t speak the same language at all, but sympathy and warmth made understand each others. Ok. My sister’s translations here and there helped as well.
What I recall the most are the moments of laughter, guessing each other’s language signs, cheering all together around (several) glasses of Prosecco, the cozyness of a spring evening, the silent broken with our lively chats, the great hospitality we were offered.
I mainly talked with one of the neighbors’ son, Mikhael, as he was the only one speaking some English. Now at the army, he was returning from a 5 months trip in Australia and was sharing with me some of his adventure. He explained me how much he enjoyed this journey on his own while making friends from all over the world. He confessed me that he had to work and save a lot of money to be able to get to that side of the world and that he was planning to renew the experience anytime soon to the U.S.
Then he addressed me the fatal question: “do you like your job, K?”. “No, I don’t”, I replied in a half smile. “So, what else would you like to do?”. “I don’t know”. I could see that my answer left him a bit perplex. “And do you like where you live?”, he asked me. Instead of giving him a clear cut answer, I rather went into detailing what I felt about this land where I have been for too long. The good and the bad. “Where would you like to go then?”. And again I replied “I don’t know”.
While this 21-year-old young man seems to have a better idea of what he wants, I still struggle with those same and endless interrogations. And being 31, makes me more anxious day after day, not finding what it is that I should do, what is my purpose, what it is that I really want. I have this stressing sensation that I’m not controlling the what and where of my life; that I’m passing by it instead of properly and fully walking into it. Time is running so fast, and I’m here only subsisting.
How come I still don’t know?
1 Comment
July 8, 2009 at 11:25 pm
Is there some reason that you are required to know the “what” and “where” of your life by a specific date (eg 30)? Lemmings are sure they know the “what and where” as they charge over their respective cliffs
Maybe knowing the “how” is important and you have a good sense of that.
I do think it’s evident that your current “what” and “where” are NOT working so you should acknowledge not only that you know that much (good!) but also that you must act on it somehow. Go travel for a few months and see what catches your eye?